On Relationships and Christian Love

Lately I've been pondering the issue of relational boundaries. For instance, when is it appropriate to use sarcasm with someone but not another? If I jokingly tease my close friend that a particular dress makes them look like a rotting beached bloated whale, why is that appropriate but not to, well, let's say a girl I'm trying to date? In reality, the actual situations I deal with a far more subtle than that, but the same basic principles apply.

Recently I read an editorial written in to the paper of my Alma Mater. The author was addressing the point that Christianity is one of the most hateful religions around. "Really?" I thought, thinking how Christianity is full of charity and compassion. Yet as I read more of the letter, the author did have a point. For instance, if a homosexual walks into your church, do you point out the fact that God dislikes homosexuals (Lev. 20:13)? Or do you accept them and make no mention of such fact to show them compassion and acceptance (John 8:11a)? I think too often, at least in conservative Christian circles, our tendancy is to "hate the sin, but love the sinner", which we interpret to mean we must condemn their actions outright, up front, in order to speak "thruth" into their lives. After all, we are commanded to speak such truth (Eph. 4:25).

A while back, I was struggling with a personal relationship. I was often told by other Christians in the church that I was living in idolotry of this person, that I was addicted to them, etc. They said that the words they spoke were given "in love", as they wanted me to walk a pure path. "Sometimes love hurts", and other trite phrases were given as justification of saying the hurtful things. They sincerely believed they were speaking the truth, and that speaking such things was in my best interest and therefore the loving thing to do. Little did they know just how low, isolated and unloved it really made me feel. It only made me more resolute in my feelings about the relationship and confirmed in my mind that "wisdom" is not always to be trusted.

Yet as I think about the complexity of relationship, I've come to see that there are shades upon shades of grey. I can not expect to deliver the same truth to a fellow and close friend who's been going to church for 20 years as I can to a stranger, new believer who has the most checkered of pasts. For one, delivering the truth requires relationship. I need to have a deep, connected relationship with the person. If I don't, then little of what I say will mean anything to them. They'll simply believe I don't understand them and write me off.

Too often as evangelicals, or conservative christians, we feel we must spread the word. But we never really consider how to do this. We stand on street corners, write opinionated articles, even run for political office. Yet we never consider how we are percieved, often because we just assume the world will hate the truth and will reject it outright (James 5:19, Rom 1:18).

So how do you maintain doctrinal purity and preach on lessons without condemning people outright for their sins? Afterall, we don't want to be puritanical, shunning people from fellowship because of some sin in their life.

I honestly believe the answer is to be more quiet. It's one thing for a pastor to get up and preach on a sermon topic. But that topic shouldn't be singled out just to make someone uncomfortable. Nor should it be given to pass an agenda (e.g. a congregation that needs to "pray more"). Because while the pastor has a relationship with his congregation, it is not personal enough to speak that level of truth. It's one thing to say "as Christians prayer is good and appropriate". It's another to deliver that message week after week, pushing for more and more prayer because you don't think the congregation prays enough. Meanwhile, for the common congregant, we need to focus less on others, and more on ourselves.

For instance, who cares about homosexuality in the community? Are you going to personally change the world? Focus rather on developing a genuine relationship with the person. Visit their home, share meals, play games. Don't bring up the issue of lifestyles. The fact is, you don't have the relational closeness to permit that (it would be akin to camping out in someone's bedroom). If the person's personal space (e.g. home) is uncomfortable to you, find ways to have relationship outside of that environment (like a coffee shop). If questioned why you're avoiding certain situations, simply say you personally don't agree with that lifestyle and politely change subjects. But don't go looking for ways to assert your views. Nine times out of 10, it will probably never come up in polite conversation. Eventually, that person will question why you're never coming over to their place anymore, and will ask questions. Simple, short, polite responses are all that's needed. A simple "I'd like to, but I don't agree with homosexuality and the decore makes me uncomfortable" is all that's needed. You're not personalizing it to them (no use of "you/your") and you're not condemning them outright ("I'd like to...makes me uncomfortable"). You're indicating you're willing to continue in relationship, but on limited terms. If pressed, a polite change of subject can deflect a potential fight. If the person really desires a relationship, then they will seek to understand why you're uncomfortable. If they don't desire relationship, they'll respect you for not condemning their views while politely and respectfully asserting yours.

Even if a person comes to you, and specifically asks for your advice, you must weigh just how real the relationship is to know what advice to give. In my personal case, although I was giving my Christian friends free reign to come in and advise the situation, it was more an invitation to come and get to know me. Instead, they judged the conversation at face value, feelings were hurt, and I was as lost as ever. If however, they had taken the time to get to know me, they might have been able to speak a more loving truth to me by guiding me in how to develop more real, wholesome relationships with others. In otherwords, think carefully about what the issue really is...we often conceal our true motives and intentions for fear of being ridiculed or mocked. We may be testing the waters...seeing whether the person really wants to love us or pontificate their beliefs over us.

So the next time you see your neighbor in an adulterous relationship, rather than saying "Thou Shalt Not...", invite them over. Get to know them. Maybe you'll find out they grew up in a home that didn't know how to express love to one another. Maybe you'll see someone who's hurting very deeply. And maybe, when it's your turn to be the one hurting, you'll find a friend who knows you well enough to guide you and love you despite your failings.